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November 15th, 2009
07:09 pm
nothing seems to matter
when i'm walking through this gloom
nothing seems to matter
when I'm tangled around you
i listen to the songs
on the radio
and they all bring me back
i'm dancing crazy
just because
it's the only thing
that keeps making sense
i can't see the path in front
and the lights are all off
and thats not so bad
my hands are on the wheel
but i'm not steering
the wind will take me
in it's wings
and i fly far away from here
and you will find me
miles away
flying high in the sky
you will find me flying
with spiderwebs on my wings
and beautiful dancing dust
on my neck
glittering in the sunlight
music in my head
nothing seems to matter
when i'm walking through this gloom
nothing seems to matter
when I'm tangled around you
the best gift is giving
and i'd give my soul for you
sleeping outside in the pouring rain
i give myself to the ground
if i run and dance forever
they will never catch me
my heart is made of crystal
and your heart is too
and we're swimming through the world
as if our time was made of soft serve
all day and all night
i sleep beneath the stars
and they whisper softly to me
the secrets of this world
there is no hate
they say to me
there is no such thing as anger
there is no pain, they whisper in my ear
there are no lies
and i chuckle myself to sleep
'cause
nothing seems to matter
when i'm walking through this gloom
nothing seems to matter
when I'm tangled around you
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/artistic.gif) creative
Current Music: The shins - Caring is creepy
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November 6th, 2009
06:23 pm
Sometimes I think I'm too nice a person, like I've done something horrible in a previous life that I'm trying to atone for in this one.
And sometimes I think I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve the least nicest thing to happen to me.
I wish I could make up my mind.
My life is becoming more and more like an episode of skins.
I always thought I was Jal.
I was wrong...
I am the dreamer
And you are the dream.
I thought I loved you,
But it was just how you looked in the light.
I guess I always knew the score
This is where the story ends
Know that I will never marry
But I’d ask you to be true
I’d try to get away to see if I could stay
But look what I’ve become.
My phone is on my lap waiting for a call.
I never thought I was that sad a person.
That is a lie.
I knew I am.
But I like to delude others
I want to talk but I don't want to be the one to start the conversation again.
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Jag är en vampyr....
Just one bite... is all it takes.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sad.gif) bored
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October 5th, 2009
05:14 pm - planet earth is blue and there's nothing i can do...
i don't know what i want i don't know what i think i don't know what i feel anymore - i don't know what happened to my world - and that's all you it's funny how one little moment with you - a mere second of my life - makes me forget everything else it's funny how one little moment with you - the briefest passing time - changes everything tilts my world upside down shakes it around and puts it down again i'm all shook up + i'm twirling through this life in a most spectacular way and the stars look very different today + it's funny how out of everyone i know you are the one to change me
you may not have killed my vibe (i think of anyone you could be the one to do it) but you’ve destroyed my sanity. You have this amazing capacity to make me loss my mind somehow all i think about is you somehow none of that other shit matters
i’m dreaming, we’re dreaming! i haven’t the ghost of a chance why would you go and do something like that?
- watching me with those eyes driving me into my own private hell i wish i wasn’t so scared of what you could say i wish that i didn’t want to impress you so much i wish that i didn’t feel this way i wish i could run away from this i wish i were free you can’t treat me like this and not expect this i don’t know what i’m doing anymore i’m chasing my tail in circles around you endless repetitious circles
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/curious.gif) confused
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June 16th, 2009
08:57 pm - I'm leaving in 2 weeks....
I've been organising to go over seas for about a month now, and I finally have almost everything sorted (just need to receive my passport now, and apparently its in the mail).
I can't wait to go; it's the only thing that I can find myself looking forward to; the bright light in my otherwise dismal horizon.
I've been listening to music a lot recently (more than normal).
Music is....
Music is Art
Music is Here
Music is Mine
Music is Life
Music is a Transcendent Language
Music is Math
Music Is Elementary
Music Is Not a Loaf of Bread
Music is Magic
Music is Your Business
Music is Everything
Music is My Absolute SOUL
Music is a Weapon
Music is not Torture
Music is Your Game
Music is Healing
Music is My Medicine
Music is Good
Music is the Key
Music is the Answer
Music is my Saviour
Music is the Next Big Sound
Music is an Epic Thing
Music is love
Um... not much more to say.
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May 6th, 2009
06:04 pm - All beauty must die
You sat in front of me today, chatting away noisily with your giggling gaggle of friends. I had to restrain myself. My rage.
I wanted to hurt your friends. I wanted to hurt you.
I wanted to look at you, but I forced myself to look away.
I wanted to smash your head into the desk.
A hidden rage consumes my heart
I close my eyes
And tense myself
And screaming
Throw myself in fury over the edge
And into your blood
Tear at flesh
And rip at skin
And smash at doubt
I have to break you
Fury drives my vicious blows
I see you fall but still I strike you
Again and again
Your body falls
The movement is sharp and clear and pure
And gone
I stop and kneel beside you
Drained of everything but pain
Screaming throw myself in fury
Over the edge and into your blood
Kiss you once and see you writhe
Hold you close and hear you cry
Kiss your eyes and finish your life
Kiss your eyes
Finish your life
Again and again
Your body falls
The movement is sharp and clear and pure
And gone
I stop and kneel beside you
Knowing I'll murder you again tonight
Doubt - The Cure
I want you to look at me.
You make me so tense I can't stop my legs from shaking. My stomach clenches painfully; you make me feel so sick.
I want to hurt you and hurt you and hurt you to burn you out of my brain. My rage left little room from anything else in my head, but still you manage to creep in.
All beauty must die
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/angry.gif) enraged
Current Music: Doubt - The Cure
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May 4th, 2009
09:46 pm - Blue is the colour of love...
Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue.
Blue is the colour of love. And my heart is blue for you.
I'm caught in a one way street with the monsters in my head.
I try to look away. I try to stop my thoughts. I try to stop the flow of words.
I try and I try and I try... I hate you.
I used to dream in colour. Realistic. Lifelike.
Now I dream in blue.
You're a snake; creeping into my life insidiously until you're every where.
You're everything I see.
You're the first thing I think of when I wake.
The last image in my mind as I lay down to sleep.
Leave me alone!
Get out of my head!
I hate you, alright?!
I hate you so much it makes me sick. I want to scream so loudly that the whole world can hear. I want to kiss you so hard that my lips are cracked and bleeding.
I want you to crash and burn.
I will be the one to watch you fall
Hopes and dreams are far away.
I only face the day for a glimpse of you.
Its hard to find relief when you're all alone.
I have to remember that we're not friends. I have to remember that we're not in the same world.
I've got to remember this is just a game
I have to remember that this is not real.
Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue. Blue.
Current Location: A one way street.
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Placebo - Infra Red
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April 30th, 2009
03:42 pm - I finally wrote you a song, another unsent letter.
You apologise for 'burdening' me with your problems. Don't ever think that. I'm your friend, and you're supposed to ask your friends for help.
The look on my face is not boredom, not annoyance. It's concern.
I hate to see you like this. I hate knowing exactly what you're going through and not being able to do anything about it. I just wish it were possible to take away all the pain.
I hate to talk like this. I hate to act as if there's something wrong that I can't say.
I don't know how to help. I want to, so much. I always want to. I guess that's where I go wrong.
Some people don't appreciate it.
You don't answer my texts anymore. I should have seen this coming. We were drifting apart for years.
But I never wanted to lose you.
I guess it's late to say I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen.
I try to talk to you, and can't get past the weather.
The friend I thought I knew has found something, somewhere better.
But I'm hanging on your line
I thought we could speak together
I don't know what it is with you,
Somehow you seem gone forever.
We were perfect once.
It's hard to see this clearly now and face the truth of our own end.
There's just so much on my mind.
My mind is so full it hurts.
We've made mistakes. We've told these lies.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore
I've given up some thing, I guess that doesn't matter.
I've started other things, I guess that doesn't matter.
It's funny. I barely know these people, and yet I loathe to spend time away from them.
They make me laugh in a time when my laughter is ephemeral; lost before it is even found.
I'm trying so hard to be happy. It's what I want more than anything.
I feel like I've lost acquaintances. I used to be so social and full of life and happy
I can't explain it but I'm just sick of being around people
A little optimism can go a long way.
Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/okay.gif) blank
Current Music: Unsent letter - Machine Gun Fellatio
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April 23rd, 2009
10:52 pm - Listen to the music...
I really hate him. I hate him more than wearing shoes. I hate him more than spending time with my father. I hate him more than eating eggpplant. I hate him more than anything else in the whole wide world and the worst part about it all is that I know exactly why.
He's so perfect, so undeniably perfect that everything I do around him seems like a failure. He gets everything perfect and I can do nothing right. He's always ahead of the rest.
You possess every trait that I lack;
By coincidence or by design.
You're the monkey I've got on my back
That tells me to shine
He's perfect and I'm not.
So he's nice to everyone. So he studies like a nerd, and yet could never, ever be construed as one. So he's funny, and charming and just positively heart-wrenchingly adorable. So he can find a nice thing to say about everyone. So he understand what is being said all of the time. Is that anything to be proud of? Is it so impossible for him to have a single flaw, to bring him back down to the land of humans?
If he wasn't so perfect I could actually like him.
But now, everything single thing he says and does shows me clearly just how undeserving I am. Just how horrible, how lost, how pathetic I am.
I'm so aware of every single thing that is wrong with me when I'm around him. Every characteristic that I'm lacking.
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
It's an odd, odd thing to be so self-absorbed and so self-deprecating at the same time. When I'm around him, I'm so consumed by what other people think of me that I'm afraid to breathe.
I'm so consumed by what he thinks about me, I can't concentrate on anything.
The time drags on, indefinitely, as I squirm and fidget, worried about what he thinks.
Sometimes I can look around at the people and things around me. Everything is amazingly perfect and I can't help but think "Why am I here? I don't belong here."
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
Everything just feels so out of control.
I'm poised precariously on the cliff edge, ready to fall.
Sometimes I just wish someone would just see me teetering on the edge and pull me back rather than pushing me that little bit further. (I wish he would see me)
It's never going to happen.
I find a friend in darkness.
Current Music: Up against the wall - Peter Bjorn and John
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March 27th, 2009
06:12 pm - Words are power
Words are power. Words are truth. Words are magic.
Words have a tremendous impact on us. Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or evil. The basic tool for the manipulation of truth is the manipulation of words. If one can control the meaning of words, one can control the people who use those words.
As someone who spouts on about the wonder of words, I don't exactly follow my mantra. Every word that passes through my lips is meaningless; tainted by the lies of my mind, the secrets I never share with the world. I speak so much, and yet say so little. I speak of the mundane, the unimportant. Anything to stop from letting anything slip. I never say anything important. Just lies; social noneties and fabrications.
The voices in the dark, that reassure them that the falseness is okay, are their one ritual protection from the painful truth of awareness.
Your words used to sound so pure. A contrast to mine. But now they're dull and faded. Blunted by the edge of my lies. You speak so pretty but it sounds just like lies. The words sting me to motion. 'I love you.' How can you love me if you don't even know me? How can you love me if you've never seen who I am. How could someone love me when my whole life is one brutal lie after another. You love a mask.
I have forgotten who I am. Free as a bird, wild as the wind. Somehow I cannot let you in.
I find myself wondering if anything I feel is true. How could it be, when I have never known what I want? I wish I were a cold hearted bitch. I could rip all the feelings out then. All the lies my heart tells me. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad. Love is such a fickle creature. It deserves to burn in hell for its sins. It never thinks of what it's doing to others. So selfish.
Coughing up feeling just for you. To find something real to hold on to. But there is a hole inside my heart where all of my love comes pouring out. Grab yourself sweetness where you can, 'cause sooner or later we're gonna die. Left to the dogs under the sky. Nobody loves you when you're gone.
I want to fall down and never get back up. If I fall would he catch me? I don't think so. He turned his back on me so long ago I don't remember what his face looks like.
I don’t know him anymore. I don’t recognize this place. The picture frames have changed and so has his name. We don’t talk much anymore. We keep running from the pain but what I wouldn’t give to see his face again. Can he believe what a year it’s been? Is he still the same? Has his opinion changed?
Why can't I just forget? Why do I look for people who remind me of then? A happier time. When I didn't find myself constantly in an ever descending spiral of despair. When I knew what it was like to laugh, laugh so heartily, that I forgot my fears.
It's only when I spend time with those certain few when I can forget, even for a moment. My dear, you mean so much to me and I never even say. I have never felt as strong a fear as I did when I was worried about you. I understand now the meaning of pure terror. You taught me that.
I need to find some way to escape. I'm running underwater and losing breath. I will never reach the shore.
Gasping for a breath of air, swallowing all pride. Alone in a sea of rage and sorrow, tears confused with rain. Losing sight of all I have, lost in the middle of nowhere.
Current Location: A cave on Mars
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/scared.gif) anxious
Current Music: Garbage - Nobody loves you
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March 23rd, 2009
08:57 pm - I'm so tired..
Just a warning, the picture is incredibly accurate.
I'm so tired; emotionally and physically, and anything else you can think of. I’ve become an absolute wreck in the last month. I’m going off the deep end. I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I am just so tired, lost, and have no idea where to go to get this figured out... I'm so emotionally tired that I feel like I should be crying and crying and crying and yet I just can't do it.
Now, I’m alone, very depressed, and looking forward to nothing. Days go by and I just wait for something to happen that would just indicate a change in my luck. How do I deal with this? I’m worn out, I’m tired, and I’m hopeless. Where do I go from here? I’ve stopped caring for most things lately. Most of the stuff that used to make me happy just.. doesnt anymore. I dont care for it. It just bores me. I just want to sleep. All the time. Just sleep. I’m always tired. Even if i just wake up. Not much makes me happy anymore.
I lie in bed awake at night and I wonder should I even try. I wonder what went wrong, or even more if anything was ever going right. I find myself pushing away the people who could help me and I don't even know why. And now, after so long of working to get where I am, now because i feel so bad, I don't know if I could handle going to school or anything. I go to uni 4 times a week, pretty much full time, I get Thursday off, and then I work Friday Saturday Sunday. My friends all ask me to meet them on Thursdays, but even social occasions are feeling like a chore, and I just can't do it anymore. On top of that It seems like everything, especially my back, and legs and the pain they bring, is getting worse dramatically fast. I spend much of my time wondering if I am going to make it through the day, let alone be able to finish school and actually work. People are telling me to cut back on my hours, but there's no way I can without completely ruining all the plans that I've built up to over the years.
"Lie awake in bed at night. And think about your life. Do you want to be different? Try to let go of the truth. The battles of your youth"
I probably need to get to sleep... or attempt to anyway.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: A beautiful lie - 30 seconds to Mars
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February 6th, 2009
01:31 pm - Blood
I’m feeling very much like I need to update this frequently again. It’s been a while (not too long, but long enough for me to feel bad about it), but I haven’t really had anything to say on this thing (well… thats not entirely true, my brother moved back home after a rather prolonged misunderstanding with his fiancé (during which time she for a couple of weeks she refused to let him see his daughter) but thats all at an end, and I have now been in a relationship for approximately 2 months, and I stopped talking to a few of my friends because we had a huge fight (again, thats all over with now), and I got a letter from the maths department at uni asking me to change my course to maths, and my ex decided to be a tool and make everything awkward for our mutual friends because he’s “not comfortable” with seeing me ever again, and… no wait, I think thats it… I donated blood yesterday, so I’ve had My Chemical Romance’s song “Blood” stuck in my head for the day… woo!
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January 30th, 2009
08:56 pm - The burning of the eye of heaven
I have a new laptop. so I can be updating more frequently. Which is good! I bought it yesterday and expected to spend the whole night on it. But the power cut and I couldn’t access the internet, and nothing I wanted was on the computer that I could do. It made me sad. But today, after 20 hours with no power, I am spending the day on the computer. and what better way to waste time than to post a blog? It’s the best technique ever! That and fanfiction. the time just flies with fanfiction.oh and computer games. But I haven’t installed any on here yet, so I can’t play any (except minesweeper… fantastic game) beh… nothing more to write. things happened.
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November 19th, 2008
02:20 pm - Rollercoaster of pleasure and pain
Life sorts itself out by itself. Life is a rollercoaster. Things come and go. Bad times mixed in with the good. Bittersweet memories are never lost, but life continues on whether you want it to or not. I am the dreamer and you are the dream. I thought I loved you, but it was just how you looked in the light. I want you out of my head. Get out and leave me alone!! ... I hate you anyway.... Stop interrupting my dreams. Stop being the focus. I don't need you. I don't want you. I hate you. You remind me of the times when I knew who I was. You're poison running through my veins.
Let me be free. You don't want me anyway.
I've got scars and I've got friends. Friends make the world go around. 'I'll let you sort out your dilemma alone and I'll wait patiently until you come back. I'm always here for you'. Friends bring light back into your life. Friends are the light. An expectation is a premeditated resentment. Live life in today, and not expect anything of anyone. Even you can let you down.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif) chipper
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November 7th, 2008
06:31 pm - Things have changed for me, and thats ok
Things have changed for me. But that's ok.
The past year seems like a horrible nightmare from which I am only just awakening. To find my life in pieces spread across the world. I'm slowly picking them up and putting it back together. Like the chaos in my mind. Things are shaping up to be pretty odd. It seems I’m someone I’ve never met. I'm afraid I may have faked it.
I'm just getting to the part where the shock sets in, and I find a new way to make me sick. I'm finding that all I want to do is see what happens when I tear the world apart. When I tear apart all your well planned dreams. I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it. Every word takes me one step closer to hell.
I'm alone in this house. I'm alone in this head.
You never tried to fix this. I'm not trying to fix this. You better keep your mouth shut. I'm not listening to your words anymore. Your words were taking me one step closer to hell.
Current Mood: calm
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August 24th, 2008
July 22nd, 2008
07:12 pm - hopeless plea
I miss you. I miss you so much the tears spring to my eyes when I think of you. I'm sorry. If I hurt you then I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself. Please. Talk to me. I'd never forgive myself. I want to know what I did wrong. It's about him, isn't it? It's always about him. I don't care. I just want you back in my life.
I trust you. I don't really trust anyone, and yet I trust you. It's not right. It's not fair. Why does it always happen this way, when all it will do is hurt people. You have no idea how much I want to fling the rest of the world aside. They don't matter. My morals, my idealistic veiws, don't matter. All that matters is this. That night. You. And me. But I try so hard not to be a hypocrite. So we're going through these motions. I don't want to hate myself later for a decision I made, so I overanalyse.
Uni is my distraction from the endless mistakes I've been making. I don't have to think of you when I'm learning about viruses and GM food. But when I sleep... even the sweetest dream would never do.
I wish we'd never met. You can't miss what you've never had.
Please forgive me.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/cold.gif) cold
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May 18th, 2008
12:08 pm - The End
The end of something old,
And the beginning of something new.
Death. Rebirth
And life.
I'm here to talk to you
About reincarnation.
I've made up my mind.
Finally.
Don't try to convince me
To change my mind.
I know what I have to do.
Don't try to talk to me
Don't say those words.
I don't care anymore
You've driven me to this
All the peer pressure
All the endless judgements
All the expectations
I don't care what you think
I don't care how you feel.
I don't feel anymore
And it's all because of this.
My mind is clear.
Only that one topic in my head.
The truth.
The only right thing.
The only way
I can stay sane.
The only way
I can continue living
I guess I always knew the score
This is where the story ends
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels band
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April 19th, 2008
04:43 pm - Yesterday's light
I try my hardest, don't you see? But it won't come naturally. I'd give my whole world.... I guess it wasn't meant to be. You live your life upon the knife. Playing a fife unto the strife. Battered forwards. And then straight back.
You get knocked down. But you never show your frown. I never know what's amiss. 'Cause you sooth me with a kiss. You'd never see what I mean. I've tried so hard to make it seen. But perhaps... I was overkeen? You never hear a thing I say. Now comes the time. I have to break away. But I don't have the wings and I wonder why.
And as I dream of what could be, I find a part of me. That never reaches the surface. That has never seen the sun. That has only just begun. Why does the wind still blow so furiously? Pushing me forward into my doom. When I want to go back. Why does the sun still shine? Bringing the light of the past. Into our days.
And all our yesterdays light fools the way to a dusty death. A brave new world.
The shadows of despair hang over me as the pit opens. I wish it would swallow me whole, but it will not be quick with its destruction of me. It tears me about. Shred by shred. Agonising pain after agonising pain. My muted cries are meaningless. They can't help me now. I got myself into this mess. Now to pull the pieces back towards me, and attempt to sew them back together.The spider draws closer. Soon it's venom will paralyse me and I'll be stuck in this horrific void. The black abyss. Trying to dodge the bullets but they just keep coming.
Why am I the spider?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sleepy.gif) drained
Current Music: The Devil went down to Georgia - The Charlie Daniels Band
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March 12th, 2008
06:37 pm - Rambling 13.0?
Where would I be without you? I need you in my life. You've made me who I am today. I've never told you. I never thought I needed to. You know this. At least. I hope you do. My best friend. No matter how many miles seperate. Or how many years. I'll be here. Cherry st. When I go, I'll still be here. You'd never know. I'm the kind of person who just up and leaves. With no warning. But don't worry. I'll tell you. Only you. 'You are my oldest friend, I've known you for many years. Now your bailin', leavin' me here in the lurch. I might not show it but inside it really hurts!'
You say I don't make sense. No one makes sense, my dear. It's all part of the fun of this world. Trying to understand gives us something to do. Our raison d'etre. I try to understand. And I get lost. Lost in the seas of human emotion. I can't do it. Crowds. It kills me. Makes me shake. A tidal wave of emotions. Crashing to despair. Lost. Hopeless. Scared. Anger. Courses through the body. Adrenaline. Causes people to say things. That they don't mean. Anger. I'm sorry. For anyone I've ever hurt. I'm sorry. My anger gets the better of me some times. Makes words spew from my mouth like people from a crowded train. Disorganised. Some lost. Confused. Others knowing exactly where they're going. What they're doing. Confident.
I'm a horrible person. I lie. I always lie. He's my friend. But I lied to him. It was easier that way. I'm sorry.
He says I'm not helping my case. He says I'm making it worse. Maybe I am. But I can't help myself. It seems best for me right now. I'm enjoying myself. In a way. It doesn't make sense. I know this. I can't explain. I used to be able to. Once upon a time.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/working.gif) busy
Current Music: Nick Cave - Curse of Milhaven
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March 9th, 2008
12:17 pm - Rambling 11.0
Apparently he liked me. Way back when. Before all this happened. One of his best memories is of me. He told me that. I've never had anyone tell me that. It made me smile. I remember that day. It was a great day. Even though I learnt I didn't know myself. A fantastic day. I wouldn't change a thing. I've changed my opinion of him. A whole new level of respect has opened up. When, technically, I should have lost my respect for him. He came to me. I never thought it would happen. I didn't expect it. In the least. Where did it come from? It's a crazy, mixed up world. 'I'm stuck in the middle with you. And I'm wondering what it is I should do. It's so hard to keep this smile from my face'.
I had a deep conversation with him. About life. And love. And the world. He's an interesting guy. An amazing guy. I don't understand it. I don't understand him. And yet... at times I do. I know where he's coming from. Same as me I guess. Something he said to me triggered something. Afterwards I knew. And I did it. He gave me strength. And brought back my courage. If only for a little while. He knew what to say. And what to make me say.
I said it. I finally did. Not just in my mind. 'It's all inside my head. Maybe it's not real. It's all inside my head. And nothing's changing'. I've changed. I know this. I used to like my life packaged up in little parcels. And only I knew what was in each one. I hid them away in my room, where no one else could see. I liked it that way. I never wanted it to change. But it has changed. I opened my boxes. Tipped them out onto the ground and let them mix together. It's better this way. So many combinations that I never would have allowed. And they're perfect! How could I have not seen this before? Am I blind?
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: My Chemical Romance - I don't love you
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